Stalking: When Love becomes Obsession

The "love" chapter in the Bible, I Corinthians 13, aptly lists what "love is": patient, kind, not puffed up, etc. It also tells how love "does not" act, such as to behave rudely or parade itself. But after talking to one of the volunteers at work, listening to her fears for an adult daughter trying to distance herself from an old boyfriend, it reminded me that the overall context in reading what is expressed in the book of Corinthians is that love does not harm the other person . And when an old flame turns up the heat to jump start a dead battery of emotions and does not succeed, what was once a shared joy can become a stalker with a victim.

Dealing with a broken relationship and willingness for both parties to reconcile can be hard enough. But when pursuit crosses the line to stalking the process can be in emotional shades of grey. So I think beyond knowing what love is, it is also good to consider what "love does". Sometimes, love requires a party to just walk away, to do no harm. And if one of the parties involved expresses anxiety that a sense of lack of safety has entered the relationship, it is time to consider whether the behavior has progressed to an unhealthy stage. Is the relationship now one of stalking as opposed to romance?

Determining when healthy pursuit degrades to stalking is a tough call. Distancing ones self from the shadow of a stalker can be hard on either sex. But it is more fraught with a sense of danger for the female of the species. The average male of equal size has tremendous physical advantage should surveillance stalking move toward physical aggression in pursuit of the goal.

Many of us are unfamiliar with stalking laws. The penal codes vary from state to state. The state of Kentucky law defines "two or more acts" as the standard. Texas law uses the words "on more than one occasion" and Washington says "intentionally or repeatedly" and puts cyberstalking in a category all its own. Other states subcategorize a majority of acts under a harassment category. Having served at Naval Hospital Guam, I pulled up that particular penal code and noted with a chuckle that they had made it a point to note that the "section does not apply to conduct which occurs during labor picketing". There must be a story behind that statement.

Very few local police departments have anti-stalking units as a fenced asset. So a resource for a young, scared, single mother with three small kids is not always available, as in the case presented to me today by the employee at work. This link gives a quick overview of some cases which made the headlines. Just thinking that a stalker could be living in the crawl space of my home, gives me a chill. But such things have indeed happened.

The Navy has common sense guidelines for pursuit of a relationship. Here it is. "Anything but yes, means no." Get it? Silence, means no. "Maybe later" means no. "I am not sure" means no. In other words, be realistic. Follow the three strikes and you are out rule. Then walk away. Because love, does no harm.

Tammy Swofford
tammyswofford@yahoo.com